Sheep was really a Wolf - Steph Powell

In 5 days I will have had bulimia for 17 years. Below is a list of things I've lost because of it and chronic issues I have as a result;

Insomnia

(I either don't sleep at all without meds, sleep 3 hours and then can't sleep any more, or have nightmares. I've had this for *11* years).

Severe trust issues

Most people don't understand eating disorders, especially your closest friends and family, but it becomes your world, so when something inevitably happens as a result of your eating disorder, they won't understand, you will be hurt and trust in anyone will die.

Damaged teeth and oesophagus

Purging for 17 years means my teeth are awful, they crack and break easily and I've had a few removed due to the constant stomach acid rinsing over them plus my throat is scarred from all the vomiting.

Loneliness

Fear of people finding out meant that I chose to live alone for over a decade and when my 'friends' saw the dark side of my ed, they turned on me, so now I'm alone a lot because I don't trust anyone.

Obsession

I don't have OCD but I do obsess about everything as a result of my need for control stemming from my ed.

Narcissism

I used to be a people person. I absolutely love kids, but planning life around an ed all the time means you think about yourself more than anyone else, it makes you selfish.

Depression and Anxiety

These go hand in hand with eating disorders after all when you feel like your life is controlled by ed's and you feel like everything will fall apart if you don't throw up that binge, it's easy for depression and anxiety to take over).

Self hate

I thought I'd love myself more with it, I thought it would help me lose weight and be who I wanted to be but I hate myself more than anyone ever could, I feel like a bad person all the time and all I see in the mirror is the monster I was trying to escape from, I have very little hope in anyone loving and starting a family with me because I can't stand myself, how could anyone else?

Poverty

I have a pretty good income yet I easily spend £100-200 a week on food that ends up in the toilet meaning I save nothing and am poorer than I have any right to be.

If you've recently developed an eating disorder (1 month - 2 years) Please make it your main goal to get rid of it. It steals far more than you think it gives and it takes it without you realising.

If I knew as a child, contemplating that first vomit, that this would be my life as a nearly 31 year old, I'd have run screaming from the monster under the bed instead of making friends with it.

If only I could see that the sheep was really a wolf.