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Not sick enough for the help I Need - Sophie Blake

Updated: May 2, 2019

I have fought a eating disorder since the age of 11. I lost a lot of weight before yr 7 the beginning of secondary school, due to the fear that I would be bullied for being a bigger girl.

When I started secondary I didn't really eat for the first three years. Then my deputy head left school, so I moved to another school. It was at this point my grandma's cancer had progressed more and I became more aware of her two cancers. As I had left all my friends I had established I struggled and turned to food as my comfort.

This carried on whilst I went to 2 different colleges. Then when I left college and my grandma died two years ago, I became more mentally unwell and was purging the small amount of food I ate. This led me to having what looked like a seizure which turned out to be a fainting episode.

This led to a cardiology appointment for an ECG 48 hour monitor and a neurolgy follow up appointment. At the time no one had ever told me the dangers of purging so I ended up with heart palpitations, which I had been aware of for at least 4 months before fainting. A month later I took part in a race for life muddy 5km and fainted again.

It was during this year I thought I need to reach out to my GP and community mental health team for help with this. My community mental health team diagnosed me with an eating disorder unofficially, I have struggled for several years now to get help.

However I'm not underweight and my vitals are normal due to eating normally however I did start purging again and went to my GP this year who said "come back if the purging gets worse and then we will consider a referral". In other words wait to things get worse.

This has left me feeling like a fake and unworthy of help all due to my BMI. They are using body mass index to determine which people are most suitable for help. Fighting this all by yourself is so hard. What makes it even harder is that my family don't believe I have an eating disorder because they still see me eating normally.

The way I see my body affects me negatively everyday. I personally find most parts of my body repulsive but the main parts are my face, legs and stomach.

I avoid all glass or surfaces where I can see my reflection as it really upsets me.

As I am writing this I have just received a more official diagnosis in the post. I have been diagnosed as having a typical anorexia. While having a more official diagnosis does help, I still haven't been offered help. I'm still "not sick enough for the help I need."

I hope all you lovely people who read this don't have suffer like I am. Keep fighting for help and your own health!

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