Monster in my Head - Kayla Michelle

Updated: May 2, 2019

Here's a little backstory, so that you can somewhat understand what lead me to doing this to my beautiful body. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, fighting, yelling and screaming at least once a week. That eventually lead to the divorce of my parents. My mother moved out and I hardly ever saw my father. He was too busy shacking up with other women.

I was 13 at the oldest when all of this began, I was essentially left to raise myself and my brother who's 2 years younger. Well, when my dad was around, he was usually drunk. (About 80% of the time) Well, when he was drunk, he always took his drunken rage out on me in the way of abusive words. “You're ugly.” “You're fat.” Well, eventually that lead to self harm and an eating disorder.

I took a blade to my wrists and arms, and shoved fingers down my throat. I hardly ever ate, every now and then friends would question why I wasn't eating at school, so I'd take a few bites and then shoved fingers in my throat when I got home.

This began my freshman year, I spent that year. A year, that should have been exciting and new. Was instead scary and uncharted territory that I was dealing with alone. I alienated all of my friends, because I wasn't good enough for them, or so I thought. I spent freshman, sophomore and junior year in this hazy depression of hardly any food and cuts up and down my arms. I don't honestly remember most of my high school years, I went to school but wasn't in my head enough to know what was going on, I was essentially a dead girl walking, a zombie going through the steps of life but not really living.

Finally, my senior year, a friend sat me down and said you need help, I knew I did. So, I agreed and made myself eat, even when I thought I didn't deserve it. I reminded myself, hey your body needs this and so do you. So, when I was about 20-21 my dad started with the you're fat thing again, well my monster didn't really like that and returned.

I'm 26 now and so much stronger than I've ever been, I still hear those words, from both parents now but it doesn't bother me anymore, I've locked that monster up and thrown away the key. It tries to escape sometimes and tries to tell me I don't deserve the food, but I hold the key now, the monster doesn't.

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