Hell Yeah, it's back. It's back.
Not a false alarm this time.
Not a brief break from the apathy.
It's passion. It's only freaking passion.
And its back.
"Compose yourself you fool"
"Breathe slowly, spell your words correctly and begin sophisticated blog post"
........ Studies have shown that 64% of people suffering from...
Nah can't do it. Just can't.
But how? Didn't you lose that Darren? Didn't the bulimia steal that?
Doing jobs you didn't like.
Fighting a disorder you didn't want.
Hurting people you didn't want to.
You quit volunteering. Stopped playing hockey. Isolated yourself from friends .
You said you would settle for just surviving. Said it was better than crippling depression.
You'd just accepted it hadn't you?
You'd go do a job you didn't like, That didn't truly fulfill you. You'd collect your wages. Promise yourself this month would be different though it never was. Much of that money made from selling food would go into buying food which went into binging food which led to vomiting food which led to shame which led to hunger which led to buying food which led to binging food which led to vomiting food which led to hating yourself which led to believing this was just how it was which felt crap which led to negative emotions which led to buying food for comfort which led to eating food for distraction which led to vomiting food for release which led to hunger which led to...
NEGATIVE EMOTION - REACH FOR COMFORT - BE DISTRACTED - GET RELEASE - FEEL WORSE - DO IT AGAIN - PERPETUATE CYCLE
Yeah you get the picture.
What changed? Because you're feeling better right? You've gained a little weight. You seem a little happier. Here aren't you writing blogs again? Aren't your spamming my news feed with posts about mental health? Did you start some website or something? Don't get me wrong Darren I'm glad you're doing well but you don't half bang that mental health drum. You'd give me depression just reading your stuff.
Ah.... Wait a second. Here I know what it is. It's one of those flash in the pans again Darren. Y'know the kind you get from time to time? One of your flights of fancy? Don't get too excited! We've been here before big lad... You'll screw it up. You'll self - destruct. Just wait.
Nah mate you just wait.
This time it's different. I'll tell you why.
I have not binged and vomited in 3 and a half months.
(To anyone with the slightest eating disorder experience you'll appreciate the gravity of that)
2 years ago i binged and vomited everyday for 17 months straight. Considered it impossible to even go one day.
I have sustained energy. Y'know that kind where you can function.,, Like the whole day.
I write and want to write and am gonna keep damn writing.
I think. Think about more than the macro-nutrient breakdown of my breakfast.
I get excited. About the future. About possibilities. I see them. I feel them.
I lift heavy weights.
Sometimes...... Ok heavy for me :)
Oh and I drink calories.
Milk, cider and the occasional non - zero calorie energy drink.
Oh and I'm writing a book... Slowly... But it will happen... Unless I am struck down by a bus.
In which case I won't be writing a book
It's a romantic sci-fi thriller.
Nah. It's mental health based obviously. Gotta keep banging that drum.
And if you don't buy it then I will be very very sad. All this passion will have been for nothing and you yes you will be ruining my dream.
Just kidding. Buy it if it could help.
How will you know when it's out? Don't worry.
I will find you.
I know where you are.
You'll be in your phone.
As for now? Keep following the blog please. If you've got to this stage you either like it or you are too kind to stop. Either way people who like the blog and/or are kind would be much appreciated.
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What about you though? I don't know you. Can't see you reading this. Can't see your life. Right now you might be thinking. F*&k that Darren Shields. Glad he's in a good place because I'm not. I'm suffering he wouldn't get it. It's ok to think that by the way. I blog. I don't read minds.
Maybe I wouldn't. But I'd like to. I'd like to help. Even if the only help I could do is listen.
This website has a contact page. Please feel free to use it. You would never be judged for anything your share.
I hope soon it will have a forum. That's for you too.
It's not my website. Well it kinda is. It's got my flipping name on it.
But It's yours.
That's my vision.
Let's smash the silence.
Let's lose the lies.
Let's be honest,