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28 but 14 still hurts - Jodie Louise

I have suffered on and off with an eating disorder since I was 14. I'm now 28 and I'm still struggling.

Before the eating disorder I was happy and carefree but at the age of 14 I experienced an abusive relationship with my first boyfriend and I was naive to see the damage that had been done.

It wasn't until after the relationship ended that I began I hate myself for how I looked because in my head I thought he would have treated me better if I was thinner. Bullying at school didn't help as they made comments on my body weight and my thighs which lead me to starve myself more.

My parents found out and I remember my mum crying and my grandparents taking over the situation by making me live with them temporarily and they watched my every move. I was on food watch it was awful but I ate so I could quickly go back to living with my family. Upon returning I slipped back into the Eating disorder and hid it from my family as much as possible.

At 17 I attempted suicide which lead to mental health services being involved and in the assessment they asked about appetite I told them it was ok but as my mum was there she said it wasn't ok and they didn't do anything about it.

I finally took recovery into my own hands with little blips but unfortunately in 2018 I relapsed because of a comment that was made in my performing arts class about girl’s bodies. This made me feel insecure and made me feel people were making comments on my body so I began to see myself like I did at 14.

I reached out for help but my NHS mental health assessor told me I was so many stone overweight and this has triggered it more. I hate how I look and feel. If I could be thin life would be better and I wouldn't be judged.

I found support in a charity service and upon assessment the therapist diagnosed me with atypical anorexia and I was offered individual and group therapy which I took and I'm signed up for group therapy for the rest of the year.

Even though recovery is so far away right now I hope I can love myself better in the future.

Jodie x

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